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Thurs, Dec 11th, 2025. Song: desire machine - spirit blue
So I decided to wipe my old blog (mainly it's cringy af), and restart it because quite frankly I'm going through some shit. Right now I'm going through a custody case between my parents and my older sister for custody of my younger sister. I am in full support of my older sister, and I never fully realised how fucked up my parents were - I guess "realised" is the wrong word, a better word would be registered; like I've known for a LONG time (they are my parents lol) but it didn't emotionally hit me until a few months ago, so I guess this is just going to be me ranting for a while so get used to it. I guess what's on my mind is my dad, mainly. I genuinely think he is some form of sociopath and narcissist. He has been an alcoholic all my life (and when I was little he did cocaine as well), and he was very, VERY abusive. We lived out in the middle of nowhere when I was little, in a single-wide trailer with 6 people in it, surrounded by nothing but corn and soybean fields. We were homeschooled. My dad told me later the reason why we lived out in the middle of nowhere is because he wanted to keep us separated from the rest of society for an experiment; raise us fundamentalist Christian, try to drive us crazy and induce paranoid schizophrenia, psychotic breaks, dissociative episodes, etc., and to release us into society to see how we react with it; to basically see "how the most pure and extreme moralists react with a falling western civilization." He failed in this only because his drinking habit and the recession back in 2008. Here's one experiment; my father would sit me down and make me watch the footage of the first Americans arriving in Auschwitz 3-4 times a week, and then ask me questions about 1-2 hours at a time. The questions were like "How does this make you feel? Is what happened in Auschwitz good or bad? Why is it bad?" These are some rough questions for a 4 year old. That's the kind of person my dad is; he's fucking bonkers, dude. I never want to speak to him again. I dunno, I'm just brain dumping. I'm going to be honest, I have no clue how me and my sisters didn't end up way more fucked up than we are, it's honestly astonishing. The only way that I can explain it is divine intervention. That's all I've got. I should be addicted to heroin or fentanyl something, not working a decent job and engaged and on the up and up. What the fuck? I should be dead! I am thankful everyday that I'm here now and not in a house with no hot water, covered in trash, dogshit and cat piss with no food or sometimes electricity. I still have my issues (therapy has been helping with that) but I'm working on it. I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD, meaning that my trauma is so deep and etched into me that it has affected my base behaviors and personality. No matter how hard I work on myself, there are some ways that will never go away, but I have made leaps and bounds from when I first started created this website.

Thurs, Dec 11th, 2025. Song: desire machine - spirit blue

So I decided to wipe my old blog (mainly it's cringy af), and restart it because quite frankly I'm going through some shit. Right now I'm going through a custody case between my parents and my older sister for custody of my younger sister. I am in full support of my older sister, and I never fully realised how fucked up my parents were - I guess "realised" is the wrong word, a better word would be registered; like I've known for a LONG time (they are my parents lol) but it didn't emotionally hit me until a few months ago, so I guess this is just going to be me ranting for a while so get used to it.

I guess what's on my mind is my dad, mainly. I genuinely think he is some form of sociopath and narcissist. He has been an alcoholic all my life (and when I was little he did cocaine as well), and he was very, VERY abusive. We lived out in the middle of nowhere when I was little, in a single-wide trailer with 6 people in it, surrounded by nothing but corn and soybean fields. We were homeschooled. My dad told me later the reason why we lived out in the middle of nowhere is because he wanted to keep us separated from the rest of society for an experiment; raise us fundamentalist Christian, try to drive us crazy and induce paranoid schizophrenia, psychotic breaks, dissociative episodes, etc., and to release us into society to see how we react with it; to basically see "how the most pure and extreme moralists react with a falling western civilization." He failed in this only because his drinking habit and the recession back in 2008.

Here's one experiment; my father would sit me down and make me watch the footage of the first Americans arriving in Auschwitz 3-4 times a week, and then ask me questions about 1-2 hours at a time. The questions were like "How does this make you feel? Is what happened in Auschwitz good or bad? Why is it bad?" These are some rough questions for a 4 year old.

That's the kind of person my dad is; he's fucking bonkers, dude. I never want to speak to him again. I dunno, I'm just brain dumping.

I'm going to be honest, I have no clue how me and my sisters didn't end up way more fucked up than we are, it's honestly astonishing. The only way that I can explain it is divine intervention. That's all I've got. I should be addicted to heroin or fentanyl something, not working a decent job and engaged and on the up and up. What the fuck? I should be dead! I am thankful everyday that I'm here now and not in a house with no hot water, covered in trash, dogshit and cat piss with no food or sometimes electricity. I still have my issues (therapy has been helping with that) but I'm working on it. I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD, meaning that my trauma is so deep and etched into me that it has affected my base behaviors and personality. No matter how hard I work on myself, there are some ways that will never go away, but I have made leaps and bounds from when I first started created this website.